I was asked to write a blog about how to stay safe through the holiday period.  I've written similar blogs before but this time I wanted to take a bit of a different path.

I'm @PnorkelPW, one of the Peer Workers on the Counselling Online Community Forums, along with @ScorpionPW. We share our experiences of substance use, addiction, recovery, and all the messy bits in between while we were trying to make change. We both work in the drug and alcohol sector now. 

I can only speak for myself here, but one of the things that I find difficult is that people look at me as an expert. The thing is though, I don't see myself as an expert because everyone's experiences are different. You may not know it yet, but you are the expert in your own recovery. 
 

Learn to prioritise your own needs

One of the things I've learned in my years on the forums is that not everyone wants complete abstinence from all drugs or alcohol, or from their substance of choice. Some people just want to cut down, slow down, or reduce the damage that's being done. No matter what change you're trying to make, you'll figure out what works for you and what doesn't. 

The following isn’t a list of everything you need to do or everything you should do, it's just the start of a list of things that you can do. Some of these ideas have worked for me, some haven't. Some I know worked for other people. I'm just asking you to read the following with an open mind and to think about what might work for you this holiday season. 
 

Make the holidays work for you

The whole month of December can be tricky for people. I know I find it tricky. There’s catch-ups with friends, with family, with work, not to mention the financial pressure that can happen at this time of year… and then there's Christmas Day itself, quickly followed by New Year.

The holidays aren’t necessarily a happy time of year for everyone. I know for me it's not a time that I enjoy much. 

Twelve years ago, in the first week of December, I needed to leave the house that my now ex-wife and two-year-old daughter lived in. My addictions and my behaviours had caused that. This time of year is just a reminder. 

It was hard to have a good Christmas when I’d cleaned out our bank accounts gambling — again.
As for my family of origin, I describe them as an interesting study in psychology. The five of us haven't been in the same room for nearly 30 years. Over time, I chose to make Christmas a day where I saw my daughter in the morning and then spent the rest of the day alone, taking time out for myself, and just giving myself space. 

That’s how I look after myself on the day and keep myself safe. It’s how I emotionally regulate after the anxiety leading up to the day has subsided. 

That’s what works for me. What works for you might be different.

Although I spend Christmas Day by myself… that’s not how I spend December. If anything, getting into recovery just helped to make December easier. 

Tips I’ve learned to survive the holidays in drug and alcohol recovery

What I'd like to share with you are some of the tips and strategies that I know have worked for others. Take what you think will work for you, leave what won’t. 

1. Respect your limits

There's a strong expectation to party in December, to go to everything you're invited to, and to have a massive New Year’s Eve, but does it actually help you? Does it improve your wellbeing or your relationships? Everybody wants to catch up and everybody says “Oh, it's Christmas we have to catch up!” but do you have to? 

My first tip is to try and understand your limits, to know where your boundaries lie, to know what’s comfortable to commit to, and what's too much. Saying yes to everything isn't necessarily the best option. Work out what's important, and what's safe and comfortable for you to attend. 

Sometimes saying no is the most powerful tool you'll have. I remember one Christmas where I spent 48 hours from the 24th of December to the 26th of December driving from one place to the next trying to visit family, and it was just crap. In part, it's what helped me get comfortable with spending Christmas day the way I do.

2. Embrace a short-and-sweet appearance

If you are going to go to an event, do you have to be there the whole time? Why not choose to go to the start, the middle, or the end? 

People will remember that you were there. That's what's important, not how long you were there. Sometimes, just by going to the start of one event you can fit in multiple events. Sometimes just going to part of one event is what will keep you safe.  

If you’re trying not to drink or use anything at all, the start of an event can be what works best. You can say you've got other events to go to, even if you don't, and leave early. It’s important to think about what you’ll do or where you’ll go when you leave. If you want to protect your privacy, you can say that you’re not drinking because you have to drive. That will get most people off your back, especially when there are so many booze buses around. 

3. White lies are forgivable 

Sometimes, if you don’t trust that someone will accept your no, it’s ok to say you’ll go to something even if you have no intention of going. It’s not ideal, but sometimes a white lie is the strategy that's needed to protect yourself. 

There are lots of things that come up at this time of year, so whilst people might be disappointed, most of the time they’ll understand if you can't make it last minute… and they’ll get over it. 

With so much on, it's also easy to say from the beginning that it clashes with another event and you won't be able to make it.

4. Take control of your intake 

If you're trying to limit your drug or alcohol intake, there are a number of things you can do to help yourself. 

At a bar: 

• Don't get trapped in a shout, just buy your own drinks. It’s a lot easier to keep track of what you’re drinking and enforce your limits. 
• Drink light beer or soft drink. 
• Ask the bar person to put your soft drink into an ‘alcohol’ glass. People won't know the difference (and probably aren’t thinking about it that much). I used to drink Bundaberg ginger beer and keep it in a stubby holder. No one knew it wasn't beer. 

If you play it right, no one will actually know whether it's your first drink or your 10th drink, they’ll just know you've got something in your hand and leave you alone.

At a party: 

• Keep the stubby/drink lids or counters in your pocket so that you can keep track of how many you've had. I know someone who used to have six coins in their left pocket and would transfer one to their right pocket with each drink to stop at six.  
• Take a limited amount of drinks to the party.
• Take a limited amount of cash out with you, leave your cards at home, or give them to someone else so you can't get cash.

What are some other ideas that could work for you? 

5. Ask a friend to help you 

If you're going to an event and trying not to drink at all, having a couple of friends or family members to look out for you can be really helpful. Have a word with them prior to going, let them know that there might be times you want to go for a walk and it would be good if they could join you — or you may just let them know that you're going for a walk by yourself and that you'll be safe. 

Maybe they can be a backup plan to be a driver if you say that something's come up and you need to go? 

By discussing a plan that will work for you prior to the event, you can just signal to them from the other side of the room. They'll know what you mean, and that it's time for a walk or time to leave altogether.

It can be handy to have three or four people organised for this, just in case they're busy or caught up in something so you can grab the next person. Sometimes it’s also better to have different people so that you're not leaving with the same person every time. 

6. Have a plan for difficult moments

I remember one event I went to, my strategy was to go down to the underground car park and sit in my car and listen to music when I was struggling. I also had a few people on standby to accept phone calls that I could just talk to for a minute, get my head together, settle myself, and go back upstairs for a while.

Check out our relaxation techniques to help you get through a tense moment. 

7. Tell people you’re struggling

It can be really hard, but letting people know that you're struggling is another powerful tool. Pretending you're okay, or trying to fight through it, is a tough way to go about things. Letting someone know you're struggling helps them understand that you need help now, and lets them help you. 

8. Set a financial plan and boundaries

Putting away a little bit of money each week throughout the course of the year can be a good way of alleviating some of the financial pressure. If you’re worried you won’t be able to resist the temptation, consider asking someone you trust to hold the money for you. 

It’s also a good idea to set clear guidelines on gift-giving. My family made an agreement not to get nieces and nephews presents.  With other people, I’ve set limits on how much we’ll spend on each other.  With other friends we’ve made it fun by capping it at a $10 limit and seeing who can get something meaningful (or make something) with limited funds.  

Sometimes, we feel like we have to prove our affection with big spending, but small thoughtful gifts can be far more meaningful. 

9. Have a plan for loneliness

Not everybody has a lot of people inviting them to parties and events, and that is painful in its own way. It’s a hard time of year to feel alone. If you’re struggling with loneliness, it can be useful to make plans for yourself. Think about what you enjoy doing, and invest in it. Don’t wait for a friend to invite you, take yourself to movies, plays, sports events, carols by candlelight. It can be intimidating to do things alone, but it’s often very rewarding. 

You might also consider volunteering. There are so many people and organisations out there that need your help! 

10. Do New Year’s Eve your way

New Year's Eve can seem a little bit harder… but in reality...  is it?  If you skip it, are you really missing anything?

Over the years I've had New Year's Eves where I've stayed up all night or been in bed at 11pm, and there's one thing I know: they were all just another night. None of them have significantly changed my life. I really wouldn't have missed anything if I'd been in bed at 9pm every New Year's Eve of my life. 

If New Year’s Eve feels dangerous to you, listen to that instinct. Get a good night’s sleep. 
If you do want to celebrate, remember the simple stuff. Say no if you want to, only go for part of the evening, limit your intake or don't have anything at all, have people on hand to assist. Bail at the last minute if you need to. Whether it's actually at the party or on the phone, set yourself a plan and try your best to stick to it. 

It's not always easy to stick to your plan though. That's why having other people to support you is important. It doesn't just help create accountability, it helps you to maintain it.

Last year a friend and I took our kids into the city, booked a couple of hotel rooms, and were back there not long after the fireworks finished. It was a simple night, an easy night, and was one of the better New Year's Eves I've had. Why does it need to be such a big deal? What are you actually missing out on? 

11. Always plan for contingencies

I think this is the time to mention something that I mention in most of these blogs: 
What’s your Plan B? C? D?

• What happens if you do have a drink or use? 
• What will you do with your car? How will you get home?
• Will you be able to go home or will you need to find somewhere else to sleep for the night?
• Where will that be?
• Who will be able to help you?

Because if Plan A is no longer an option, and you can't get hold of your Plan B, you're going to need Plan C and Plan D. It’s a lot easier to think about them in advance. 

Questions to ask yourself

Like I said at the beginning, I'm not an expert. I'm just here to share my experience. You need to make your own choices, but it’s easier if you’re prepared. 

I'll end by asking you a few questions:

• How do you think you can stay safe?
• Do you need to go to everything you're invited to?
• Who's going to be part of your safety network for the night?
• Who or what is your Plan B?
• What's plan C and D and who or what will you need to make it happen?
• How can you lessen the financial pressure of this time of year
• Finally:  let's not sugarcoat things: what will you do if things really get out of hand and you end up on a bender? Who will you call then? No one ever wants to think that that's going to happen to them, but experience has taught me that it's a very real possibility. Safety planning is essential. 

Prioritise your safety

This can be a great time of year. It can be a tough time of year, or it can be a mixture of good and tough. What’s important, is to be prepared for the possibilities.

I hope you can stay safe during this time, and I hope this time of year isn’t too tough for you. This is the time of year for what I call ‘positive selfishness’ and for doing whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. As long as your head hits that pillow at the end of the night and you're safe, that's all that matters.

If you’re feeling lonely and want to connect, the Counselling Online member community is here for you, every day of the year. I'd love to hear what your plans are and what your strategies for staying safe are. Would you like to share?